When I spend too much time with a man, I start falling for him. Even though I know we’re not a good match, that it wouldn’t work out, that I don’t actually have deep feelings for him. I fall for him on the surface, if that makes sense. I convince myself to fall for him, so that I will have somebody. I want to spend every minute with him, being held by him, talking with him, learning about him. And every minute I’m away from him, I’m sad, lonely, wanting nothing more than to be in his arms. I get used to spending a lot of time with him.
Then I get weird. I start demanding more than we had originally agreed upon. I try to turn something from being casual into something “more.” And they are understandably put off by that. And it’s never the same again.
I’m falling for Good Guy. I have been for a while, though I’ve been trying so very hard to not feel what I feel. I know we aren’t a good match. He’s polyamorous, and I am a deeply jealous person. He’s brilliant, and I’m just above average intelligence. We don’t connect on an intellectual level. The sex isn’t always physically satisfying (and even when it is, I’m left wanting for more), but it is deeply emotionally fulfilling. I feel very connected to him on an emotional level, but I’m not sure if he feels the same. I feel so comfortable around him, but then I worry that I’m over sharing my “baggage.” We are over a decade apart in years, and run in entirely different social circles (he has a social circle).
But I’m falling for him. I want him. I want to be with him, all the time. And I want so badly to not fuck this up.